Good Bye Grandpa

On November 15, my mom text me to let me know that her dad, my grandpa, had been taken to the emergency room with pneumonia and low blood pressure So the boys and I headed to Beaumont to be with him, in what we were pretty sure would be his last days.

What I want to remember most about the seven days we were there was Jakob dealing on a deeper level with death. On the evening of the visitation, Jakob had said he didn't want to go. Unfortunately, he had to go. On the way to the car, he starts going on and on about needing a pen and notebook to go with him. We had three different notebooks and two different pens, but I knew this wasn't about the pen and notebook. He was absolutely melting down over this, and that is just not like him. He is almost always a go with the flow kind of kid. I tell him that Nana needs to get to the place we are going, but that before we go inside, I will make the pens and notebooks that we have fit his needs. So he lets me get him in his carseat and buckle him up.

On the way to the visitation, he is still sobbing about this 'notebook and pen' problem. I tell him that I can't understand what he is saying, and the only way to help him is for him to calm down and talk in a "regular voice" so that I can understand him.

I tell him to take however long it takes  until he is really talking in a regular voice. He is quiet for a few minutes and then he speaks,

"When will grandpa be alive on earth again?"

aha. THIS is what is really bothering him.

Unfortunately, I lose it. Quietly, he doesn't know I am upset, but enough that I can't talk. So my mom talks to Jakob about grandpa going to heaven and how he can't be alive on earth again, but it's better for grandpa because now grandpa is not hurting anymore, he remembers everybody, and he can feel good again.

So heartbreaking, but glad I could be there as Jakob starts to learn about the hard parts of life on earth.